Relax. I'm not having another child. You have to be having sex for that to happen. You also have to have a factory that wasn't shut down due to a going out of business sale. So, I don't qualify. No, what I am talking about today were the 3 words that changed my life. Exactly 13 years ago today my daughter was born. 13 years. One, three. 10 + 3. 13. Holy shit, where did the time go?
Everything about that day is still crystal clear. Having the Dr. tell us during the ex's morning check up to "Go home and pack your bags and meet me at the hospital. You're having that baby today." after an entire weekend of "false" labor pains (everyone else's words, not ours).
Driving about 20 miles an hour and ending up picking the bumpiest road in New England and hearing through gritted teeth "Hurry up!! And stop hitting all the bumps!!"
Both of us falling asleep sometime in the afternoon in the room only to be awoken by a loud BANG!!!! and jumping awake. Turns out what we heard was the water breaking and the sound coming through on the monitor. Scared the hell out of me. I almost delivered a little bundle of joy out of my ass myself. And then we were off to the races. And don't get me started on the audience we had. "Call your mother QUICK. Tell her if she wants to be here for this, she needs get down here ASAP." My father was at work that night and my mother didn't drive at the time. My brother was home and so he was pegged to drive Miss Daisy to the hospital. And of course the ex's parents were both there. You now have me manning one leg, her mother the other, my mother at the side of the bed talking to her and the two stooges (my brother and her father) sitting at the little table in the far corner of the room staring out the window not able to look at anything or anyone. Poor bastards. The look of sheer terror on their faces was priceless. If only I had thought of it ahead of time I could have tossed a wet sponge over to them and yelled "Shit!! Quick, catch that!!!!". Hilarity would have ensued, I guarantee.
As I stood there holding her left calf in my hand I began to witness the most beautiful, amazing, magical, disgusting moment of my life. Good Lord, there is a reason why they never used to let men into the room during labor. It was like watching a horse blink it's eye (thank you Family Guy for the reference).
Then I heard those magical words "It's a girl!!!" and her mother shout "My Gabbi!!!!!" and I lost it. I cried like the fat kid at recess who dropped his Twinkies in the sand and watched the army of ants carry it away.
When I finally held my daughter in my arms, she was wide eyed and full of wonder. She didn't make a sound. She just looked around the room and took it all in. And I cried. And held her tight. I whispered in her ear that I would always take care of her and promised to never let her go.
And here we are, 13 years later and she still has her eyes wide open and looking around the room soaking it all in. Except she talks like a Speak and Spell with it's cord snapped off and you can't shut it off. So, I guess 1 one of 2 ain't bad.
Happy Birthday, Kiddo. Now let's go watch Family Guy so you can think of more sarcastic, cynical ways to piss off your mother.