Sunday, October 23, 2011

God - The Original Dead Beat Dad

It's time to talk about "Family Values" for a moment. You hear this term all the time. Usually it's the politicians who spout off this phrase as if their shit don't stink. And these are the ones who generally end up with their arms elbow deep in hooker hole trying to get their wedding ring out. For those of you who know what I am referring to, and can easily picture the visual? I apologize. For those who do not? You're reading the wrong blog and should thank the maker that you have the imaginary vision of Stevie Wonder because this picture I painted just ain't pretty.

Hypocrites. Every last one of them. But what's interesting is where they base their family values from. The Bible. It's usually these right-winged religious zealots spouting the word of God and looking down on free love, homosexual marriage, lesbian car washes, and goat fucking in the back woods of Maine in the middle of Spring.

It's my personal belief that you love who you love. As long as they are 18 and not related to you any closer than 3 generations removed, who is anyone to tell you who you can sleep with? And as far as a gay couple raising kids? "Oh, no! That's immoral!! The kid will be all screwed up on angel dust and humping the neighbor's cat because he is confused from having Mommy June and Mommy Alice teach him how to ride his bike at 10 years old. I stand for Family Values!!! Gays should not marry or raise kids or buy ass-less chaps at the mall!! Family values!! Family values!!! FAMILY VALUES!!!!!! It's wrong!! The Bible says so!!! God intended for man and women to marry and have children!! Follow the word of God!!!!!"

Well, let's take a look at God and the "Family Values" the Supreme Being has given us as an example to live by.

He knocked up Mary without even lifting a finger. So basically because of his fear of commitment, his son was born a bastard child. I bet she felt special, huh? Not only does The Creator not want to marry her, he wants to father her child without even having sex with her. What? Is he gay? Wouldn't that be a kick in the ass, huh? I mean, what straight man wouldn't give his left nut to bang a virgin?

So now we have Mary and Joseph raising this child together. Joseph. Ha!!! He's another fucking sap. He was basically cuckold by the most powerful being in the universe. So he watches his wife carry this life inside her that he had no hand in. Or anything else in, for that matter. Do you really think that Mary even let him anywhere near her while she was pregnant? Not only does he have to see his wife with another man's seed being planted in his wife's garden, he doesn't even get a chance to prune the bushes. What a dope.

And Christ is born, making Mary a single mother. Oh, but wait. She's married to a pussy. I guess it wouldn't be fair to call her a single mom since she's got a husband. That makes God her "baby's Daddy".

Do you think God has the same schedule as most single father's? I mean, he never sees his kid. What does he do? Pray to him on Wednesday's and every other weekend? "Gee, Son it's great to talk to you. How's school?" "It's fine, Dad. Hey, listen are you coming to my game on Thursday?" "Oh, sorry Son. I have a new planet to create. I'm sorry, kiddo. Maybe next time."

Does God pay child support? And if he didn't. who the hell would Mary go to in order to collect? Have the IRS garnish his wages? Take him to small claim's court? It's not like her spineless husband would stick up for her. What's he going to do? Kick God's ass? And I can just picture the whole "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my real father!!!" fight. How is Joseph supposed to compete with that? "Well, I'm the best you've got!!!" Um, sorry wrong again asshole. You can't top God. Black magic, no erasies.

So all through Jesus' life, he never saw his dad. All the school plays where he would be on stage and look out and see that one empty seat where his father was supposed to sit. All the baseball games when he would hit a home run and trot around the bases and touch home plate and look up to the sky to see if Pops was looking. Being nervous about his first school dance and wishing his Dad was there to give him girl advice only to have to talk to his two mother's, Mary and Joseph instead. No wonder the only woman he connected with was the town whore when he got older.

And after 33 years his one wish finally came true. He got to see his Dad. Too bad he had to get nailed to a cross and starve to death in order to do it. Father of the year right there.

So the next time one of these lying closeted cross dressing, nipple pinching with clothespins, diaper wearing, hooker buying, politicians says 'Family Values" as some sort of disparaging remark regarding people and their sexual and societal preferences, I am going to snap.

But not before I kiss my daughter good night. You know, on Wednesdays and every other weekend.