Sunday, August 28, 2011

Guess What? Your Kid Can't Draw

For those who don't know, or honestly don't care, I fix PC's in a large office building. I pretty much walk around and plug the PC back in because some lazy clam kicked the cord with her fat cankled horse hoof and disconnected it. And they look at you like you're some sort of magician when you plug it back in.

"I swear I looked and it was plugged in."


One time I was on the phone with said wilder beast and she claimed the PC "Just shut off on it's own." Or, now stick with me here. Maybe it was the 20 pairs of shoes you had under the desk just couldn't stand the stink of your crows toes and tried to run away and tripped over the cord.

"Is the PC plugged in?"

"Of course it's plugged in!!!! I checked that, how stupid do you think I am?"

Sigh.... "OK, I'll come down and take a look."

So I walk to her desk and I was right. There was a pair of boots laying there tangled in the power cord looking like a rabbit caught in a trap. I untangle the sweaty boot from the cord and plug it back into the wall from which it had become unplugged. And then you wouldn't believe what happened? Holy shit, the PC turned on!!!!

I crawl out from under the desk and look at Roseanne Barr's twin and just smiled from ear to ear.........

"Very." and I walked back to my desk.

In my daily travels throughout my office building, I get a glimpse at how people must live in their homes. Their desks are an extension of their homes and I expect to see most of them on A&E's Hoarders soon. It amazes me the amount of soda bottles, and candy wrappers, and crumbs, and stacks over stacks of paper that haven't been moved in 10 years.

But that's not the worst of it. Don't get me started on the pictures of their kids. People act like you should constantly give a rat's ass about what new piece of shit artifact Johnny brought home from school that you tacked to your wall. No one cares about your stupid kids. And no, little Tiffany is not the next Rembrandt. For Fuck's sake, her drawing looks like a Smurf threw up a bowl of Fruit Loops all over a piece of orange construction paper.

"Isn't it beautiful? She has such talent for a child her age."

No she doesn't. She's fucking 3!! The only talent she has is picking her ass and wiping it on the wall. Oh wait, that's the other picture you have pinned to your monitor.

I wonder if Home Depot is hiring.