Saturday, August 27, 2011

Happy Birthday Howie!!!!

Once again, I take us back to a time and a place that holds such endearing memories in my heart. A time when I was coming into my own as a man. A place where I was loved, adored, respected, and sometimes asked to perform miracles that even the world's foremost hide and seek champion, Jesus Christ, could never perform:

The Paint Department at Home Depot.

I worked with a man named Howie. In fact, he was also a math teacher at my high school and worked at Home Depot 35 hours a week on top of that. So, he was sometimes quite cranky and short with people without even noticing it. That made it fun to fuck with him.

One day we were both behind the paint counter mixing for customers when I asked who was next. And I saw her. One of our repeat customers. And she was a few sandwiches short of a picnic. You know the type. She had that wide eyed look that if you stared long enough, you could swear you'd see birds behind those eyes chirping in her ear. She was way too friendly and way too talkative for my taste. She just never shut up long enough to answer any of her questions before she asked another one. And she liked to talk about birds. I know, right? I still think she really did have birds in her brain and they were controlling her brain just to fuck with the rest of us.

After about 10 minutes I couldn't take it anymore. She asked me another stupid question about which type of brush she should use. I smiled wickedly and said "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know enough about the product. But you know what? Howie does. He should be able to help you better than I can." Howie spun around and looked as if he was about to strangle me with his bare hands. I just smiled and bent down behind the counter to pull out some paint that was mixing and I was laughing my ass off. I could hear her with that shrill, Edith Bunker voice babble on and on about nothing and everything. And Howie had to take it up the ass like a skinny prison bitch.

He looks down at me and mouths "I fucking hate you." and I just giggled "Happy Birthday Howie." And no, it wasn't his birthday. I then hear "Oh, Howie!!!!! Its your birthday???? Happy Birthday!! How old are you? What are you doing for your birthday? Blah,blah, blah,blah........" This went on for over 30 minutes. She just would not stop talking to Howie and he couldn't escape her.

Howie never stood next to me behind that paint counter ever again.......

Wanna See Something Swell?

Who would have thought that this completely hysterical, sarcastically comical pick up line would end up getting me verbally berated like a whore in confession?

As some of you know, I have partaken in the human Petri dish known as Internet dating. Oh, what a grand time to be had by all!!! I have had my fair share of awkward dates over the years. Your basic crazy chick, your "they look 10 years older and 50 lbs. heavier than their pictures" dates, and so on.

But one in particular had me scratching my head wondering how the hell she had two sons, because there is NO way anyone fucked her twice.

I tend to have a very sarcastic and perverted sense of humor. Who knew? And it takes a certain kind of woman to be able to handle that, and thus be able and willing to sit through dinner with me without cringing or gagging. Sometimes both. This girl was not interested in playing along.

I met this woman for our first date, and things went rather smoothly. Except that I held back a little. I kept the sexual jokes and witty comments to a strict minimum. That should have been my first clue. But, since the date went so well we decided to see each other again.

One night we were hanging out at her place as she wrapped Christmas presents for her kids who were not home that night. We talked and laughed and joked and it was good.


She somehow made a joking reference to me performing a certain act on a certain gender of the human population that shall remain nameless. I just said, laughingly "Hey, don't judge. I was young and needed the money." and she laughed. Alright, now we're getting somewhere!! Maybe I can ease into this and let her see the real me. I was better off stabbing her in the eye with a pen to ensure she never saw anything on her right side ever again.

"I didn't like it though. The whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth." Ha, Ha!! That was funny, right guys????


"Hey!!!! You have a lady here!!! Save that kind of talk for your buddies at the bar!!"

I actually felt like I was 5 years old and getting scolded for wiping my buggers on the wall behind my bed. I hung my head, and said I was sorry and we kept on talking. I saw her one more time and things were going well again.


We were texting back and forth and joking and I decided to try again. "Hey, you wanna see something swell? LOL". Only, she didn't "LOL" back.

"Hey, ALWAYS remember the lady you have on the other end of this line, GOT IT??"

I suddenly had the urge to put a Dunce cap on and sit in the corner

Needless to say, I apologized and told her that this was not going to work out at all.

It's a good thing I didn't tell her the one asking if she wanted to play Carnival Game? It's where she would sit on my face and I guess how much she weighs.

She probably would have caned me for that one.