Who would have thought that this completely hysterical, sarcastically comical pick up line would end up getting me verbally berated like a whore in confession?
As some of you know, I have partaken in the human Petri dish known as Internet dating. Oh, what a grand time to be had by all!!! I have had my fair share of awkward dates over the years. Your basic crazy chick, your "they look 10 years older and 50 lbs. heavier than their pictures" dates, and so on.
But one in particular had me scratching my head wondering how the hell she had two sons, because there is NO way anyone fucked her twice.
I tend to have a very sarcastic and perverted sense of humor. Who knew? And it takes a certain kind of woman to be able to handle that, and thus be able and willing to sit through dinner with me without cringing or gagging. Sometimes both. This girl was not interested in playing along.
I met this woman for our first date, and things went rather smoothly. Except that I held back a little. I kept the sexual jokes and witty comments to a strict minimum. That should have been my first clue. But, since the date went so well we decided to see each other again.
One night we were hanging out at her place as she wrapped Christmas presents for her kids who were not home that night. We talked and laughed and joked and it was good.
She somehow made a joking reference to me performing a certain act on a certain gender of the human population that shall remain nameless. I just said, laughingly "Hey, don't judge. I was young and needed the money." and she laughed. Alright, now we're getting somewhere!! Maybe I can ease into this and let her see the real me. I was better off stabbing her in the eye with a pen to ensure she never saw anything on her right side ever again.
"I didn't like it though. The whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth." Ha, Ha!! That was funny, right guys????
"Hey!!!! You have a lady here!!! Save that kind of talk for your buddies at the bar!!"
I actually felt like I was 5 years old and getting scolded for wiping my buggers on the wall behind my bed. I hung my head, and said I was sorry and we kept on talking. I saw her one more time and things were going well again.
We were texting back and forth and joking and I decided to try again. "Hey, you wanna see something swell? LOL". Only, she didn't "LOL" back.
"Hey, ALWAYS remember the lady you have on the other end of this line, GOT IT??"
I suddenly had the urge to put a Dunce cap on and sit in the corner
Needless to say, I apologized and told her that this was not going to work out at all.
It's a good thing I didn't tell her the one asking if she wanted to play Carnival Game? It's where she would sit on my face and I guess how much she weighs.
She probably would have caned me for that one.