Alright, gather around kids. Today we are going to talk about something near and dear to my heart. Internet dating. That's right, that wonderful world of e-mails, web cams, pic swapping, and countless hours of browsing little snippets of useless information and blurry pics hoping to find love and live happily ever after.
But there is just one catch. It sucks. I mean, really, really sucks.
I have been using this off and on for about 6 years now. More off than on and with good reason. I don't have too many horror stories of Russian biker chicks trying to initiate me into their gang with a handful of rope and the broken end of a bed post. A few weird moments? Sure. Like the time I was set to meet my potential date in the parking lot of her apartment complex. I was in the car with the music playing watching the plethora of people walk out the back door (yes, I said plethora. Not bad for a vocational high school graduate, huh?). At one point, a woman walks out and I thought to myself "Hmm, who's the old broad? Looks like my Auntie Kathy." But then I noticed that she was walking towards my car and getting closer and closer. Then it hit me "Holy sweet Jesus in Heaven, it's my date!" Needless to say, we didn't play "Davey and Goliath" that night.
My main point of aggravation are the ads. Women are the first ones to complain that the ads from the guys suck and leave little to the imagination. But the women are not much better. Here are some examples of the drivel I have come across over the years:
I don't really know what else to say...I guess if you want to know more, just ask =) Christ... Helen Keller had more to say. Why don't you try saying SOMETHING so I can decide if I even want to e-mail you in the first place?
LIKE TO GO DANCING, OUTDOORS,THE BEACH, TRAVEL,PETS LIKE TO SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY LIKE A GUY WITH A GOOD PERSONALITY, GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR - WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOUTING?????!!!!!!! TURN THE FUCKING CAPS LOCK OFF YOU INTELLECTUAL CLUSTERFUCK!!!!!!
I love spending time with family and friends. Do you really? No shit Sherlock, everyone does. You can't think of anything more original, like "I really hate my family, and I wish they would all die in a fiery plane crash. And my friends all suck eggs because they don't understand me and think I should seek professional help." Hey, at least it's original.
And my personal favorites. The same tired lines that EVERYONE seems to use:
I don't like drama - Damn!! I was so hoping to open up to you about my crazy ex girlfriend who likes to follow me and smear pig blood all over my car when I am out on dates. What's not to like about that?
I do not like playing games - So much for my plans of Strip Twister for our first date.
I am not great at talking about myself but here goes. - THIS is your opening line? Yeah, I'm intellectually stimulated now. I cannot WAIT to talk to you on the phone and hear that awesome silence when I ask you "So, tell me about yourself. What do you like to do?" and all I hear are the crickets chirping in your empty God damn head.
I am a single mother, and my kids come first. - FUCK!!!!! I was REALLY hoping I could convince you to dump your stupid, snot-dripping, glue-eating, nose-picking little rugrats and run away with me to Asia.
So there you have it. Your little foray into the world of Internet dating and the types of things you will read. And these aren't even the strange ones. I'll talk about those later on. These are just the tired, old, boring, contrite, drivel-laden things you will find in most of these ads.
I wonder if I should start picking up chicks at the funeral home again. At least they had more personality.