Thursday, December 2, 2010

Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men, my ass

I believe that God still thinks I’m a dink. There is no other explanation. I’m like his friggin’ puppet. Sitting on his lap with his hand up my ass as I dance around for his amusement. At least I won’t need a prostate exam for a while.

I was driving with my daughter the other night on the way to the store when I saw a car pulled over with the hazard lights on. An older gentleman, about 60-65, was standing behind it.

Now, normally I would just keep driving. I've grown more paranoid and cynical in my old age and the thought of pulling over to help a total stranger in a non-life threatening situation just does not enter my mind. You stand a good chance of getting mugged, flipped off, or sued.

Car accident? - Sure, I'll pull over and help.

House on fire? - I'll grab the garden hose and start spraying

You lost your leg in a chipper shredder and now you've got a gaggle of crows pecking at your stump looking for a quick bite to eat? - I'll throw rocks at them to make them fly away.

But you have a flat tire? - Fuck off, that's what AAA is for.

Well, for some reason without thinking I stopped and rolled the window down. I figured maybe he had a flat, or the car broke down and I could offer him the use of my phone or something.

Me - "Excuse me Sir, are you OK? Do you need some help with anything?"

Old Bastard - "Why the hell are you asking?"

Me - "Well, I saw the hazard lights on and just wanted to be sure you didn't need any help."

Old bastard - "I pulled over to get my mail. Is that OK with you?"

I must have gotten to him just as his Depends started to leak. Or maybe he's at that age where having sex is like trying to shoot pool with a rope and he just now realized it. Because there is no Earthly good reason as to why he was such a prick. I cannot think of one. I should have run over his God damn feet. "Try and get your mail now, gimpy!!!!!!!!!”

The only reason why I didn't verbally assault him into a coma was because my daughter was in the car with me.

The next time anyone tells me that I need to show more compassion for strangers and should reach out more is going to get my foot up their hole.

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