It's true. Kidney stones suck.
You ever have one? Well don't, because you'll be reduced to nothing more than a pathetic, little man that every woman complains about. You know the type. " Oh, my husband is such a BABY when he's sick. He gets a little cold and he is laid out on the couch all day whining that he needs his pillow fluffed and his hemorrhoids lanced." Guess what? You will turn into one of these wimps. And deservedly so.
I have had 3 and let me tell you, I'd rather jab myself with a rusty nail in the eyeball and twist out my cornea with it than have another one.
The first one was the worst. And I'm going to tell you about it. In excruciating detail.
Part 1 - Pepto and Dave. The story of a boy and his bismuth potion of magic
I was driving to work one morning when suddenly I get this sharp pain in my left side. Holy Mother of Christ!!! I shot right up in my front seat and almost drove off the highway. I remember thinking " Huh, feels like a bad gas pain. I'll just try and squeeze out a fart and I should be all set." Yeah, well needless to say one painful ride to work and two bloodshot eyes from pushing later, I was no better off. Oh, and I never farted.
As soon as it came on, it was gone. Sweet!!! I figured I was home free. And I didn't have to gag myself out of the car from farting to get there. This was going to be a good day after all........
...Until about 4:00 in the afternoon. The pain was back. This time, I was on my knees begging the good Lord to let me rip some ass. It never happened. Of course my good friend, who shall remain nameless ( Jessica ) laughed in my face and said "Awe, poor Davey!! You got a tummy ache, you pussy!" and just cackled. I had to admit, I laughed because she was right. And try as I might, I still couldn't fart. Lucky for her, the insensitive clam.
I ran to the bathroom as I felt myself getting sick. There I managed to dry heave because the pain was too much. My buddy Brian was in there and heard my pitiful screams of torture as I continued to beg the Lord to let me fart. I came out of the stall and he was white as a sheet. He asked me " Um, are you OK?" in that tone that said " I really hope you say yes because I just want to get the hell out of here and forget the awful sounds of a cat getting skinned alive that came from you stall. "
I lied and said yes. He said "OK" and shot out of there like a rocket. I never saw someone that big run that fast. Jim Thorpe, my fat Irish ass!! This kid was headed for the Olympics the way he darted down the hall.
I decided to drive home. A little bit of Pepto and some sleep and I'll be good as new tomorrow.
Well, the kidney stones were moving through me pretty good at this point. It felt like Freddie Krueger was sliding his sharp nails in the stomach and playing patty cake with my intestines. Long story short, it hurt. Like hell. And I continued to drive anyway. I was basically standing up in the car the whole way trying to stretch myself out. Yeah, like that was going to help. All I could think about was Pepto. I mean, why not? That pink stuff is like magic in a bottle. All full of minty goodness. But I knew if I stopped, I was all done. So I kept driving. Through lights, through stop signs, etc. I was like Tony Stewart on speed. I just needed to get home.
Then it was "OK, I won't make it home. I just need to make it to Dad's. He has Pepto.".... then it was " OK, maybe I'll just make it to the store and buy some Pepto.". And then.... stay with me now......
I stopped. Damn it!!!!
There was a volunteer fire station just down the road. I pulled in and crawled inside. Someone came down stairs and said " Holy crap, are you OK?". They called an ambulance and as they were strapping me in the pain went away. I asked the driver
" Hey man. I'm starved. Can we stop at McDonald's on the way?" "What are you, an asshole?" he said to me. Needless to say, we never stopped at McDonald's.
Basically, I went in the ER, they found out I had a kidney stone and gave me some scripts and sent me home. Told me to go see my Dr in the morning.
I spent most of the night awake and in pain. Called my Dr. and went to go see him later that afternoon. Once I got there and he asked me if told me how big the kidney stone was, I told him. His eyes popped out if his head as if he was a squishy toy and if you stepped on his crank they would pop out. He sent me to the hospital to be checked in.
Now the real fun begins.
Part 2 - Why I hate roommates
I get checked in and the Urologist told me that if I didn't pass the stone tonight, they were prepping me for surgery at 7:00 the next morning to go in and get it. Yeah, right. If he thought I was going to let him go in there with a bait of chum and a fishing line as if he were trolling for bass, he was mistaken.
Now, I should mention that I had popped two pain pills a half hour before getting to the hospital. And let me tell you. I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for drugs. I was floating like Mickey Mouse in the Macy's Day Parade. And I started sounding like him too.
When I got into my room, they asked me how long since my last pill. I lied and said about 5 hours ago. They gave me another one AND a morphine drip. Jackpot!!!!
I was so high, I never got the chance to use the drip. Bummer
Now, I had myself a roommate. And something tells me he never made it past 11th grade and never met a hit of acid he never liked. He starts telling me what he was in for. I don't really remember what it was, and don't honestly care. But I remember one thing ( and this is important so pay attention ). He said he had not eaten in 4 days, and only can have an IV. He can't even have a sip of water or he would die.
He asks me what I had. I told him. " Oh, maaaaaaaan!! My buddy had that. And he said it was the worst pain he EVER had. And when he was passing it, the stone broke up into little shards and he said it was like pissing lava, etc....."
Just what I needed to hear.
I made it through the night and woke up at 7:30. Guess what? Yup!!! Surgery time!!!
The nurse came in and told me I was scheduled for 8:00.
I panicked. I thought about making a run for it.
But I had to pee. And I mean BAD!!! My damn eyes were swimming. But I held it back. I didn't want to pass that thing. Finally after 20 minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed the bottle they gave me and headed in.
I was looking out the window while doing my business admiring the old broken down houses and trash all over the street when I heard a clink in the bottle. WTF??? I looked down and there it was!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!! I passed it. I never felt a thing.
I ran to the nurse’s station and told her to cancel my surgery. I passed it, get me out of here!!!!
The nurse went to go get it and she yelled " Wow, that's the biggest one I ever saw"... " Thank you, but what about my stone?"
My ordeal was finally over, and I came through with flying colors. But I had one more thing to take care of.
I asked the nurse if I could have breakfast before I went home. She ordered it up and I waited.
Then it arrived. It smelled like sweaty hobo ass. But I didn't care. I opened that lid and it was glorious. My neighbor just looked at me with sad, pitiful eyes and said " Gee, that smells good."
"It tastes even better." as I shoved a piece of fatty bacon in my mouth.
I never did fart though.