Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'm Stopping Payment on My Reality Check.

Steven Tyler said it best in Aerosmith's Livin' On The Edge ( and arguably the last good song they ever recorded ). Don't Wanna Miss a Thing? Pink? Amazing? Please…. I liked that band better when they were high on coke. But that's a story for another day.

There's something wrong with the world today
I don't know what it is
Something's wrong with our eyes


But our eyes are just fine. We are seeing exactly what's going on. We just don't know the root cause. Is it plain stupidity? Drugs? Environmental?

Lord only knows.

Take a look at some of these headlines I have found and you tell me. Are we doomed as a society? I seriously think that when God was handing out brains, these mental midgets thought he said trains, and said "Cool!!! I'll take the slow one!!"

Pastor Accused Of Pulling Gun On Son At Church
Tenn. Pastor Accused Of Threatening Son With Gun At Church Over His Lack Of Church
Attendance


(AP) ALCOA, Tenn. (AP) - The son of a well-known Alcoa pastor has taken out an order of protection against his father, claiming he was threatened with a gun during an argument at a church over his lack of church attendance.

The younger man told police his father pulled out a handgun when they met at the church to discuss church attendance. He told officers his father pointed the gun at him and threatened to kill him, his wife and family.

So…… he blames his adult son for the fact that people would rather be at home sitting on the couch scratching their asses, watching Football than listen to his coma-inducing sermons? " Come and pray with me in the name of the Lord and help spread good will towards men. Or I'll blow your God damn knee caps off!!"

Police: Colo. Dad Ordered Kids To Bite Officers
Colo. Police Say Dad Accused Of Passing Out At McDonalds Ordered Kids To Bite Officers' Faces

(AP) COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) - Police in Colorado arrested a 28-year-old man accused of passing out in a McDonald's play area and telling his two children to bite the officers who were trying to arrest him. Colorado Springs police said officers had to use a Taser on Joshua Alger to subdue him Wednesday after he allegedly passed out drunk at the fast-food restaurant.

Police said Alger refused officers' orders and at one point told his children to "bite the officers' faces off."

Do you think he was pissed because McDonald's stopped selling the McRib? This genius sounds like another reason why the gene pool needs more chlorine. And to think, he was the fastest sperm.

Truck Driver Chokes On Chili And Crashes Into Home
Lumber Truck Driver Hits Bump And Chokes On Wendy's Chili, Crashing Into Mass. Home, Police Say

(AP) LOWELL, Mass. (AP) - Police said a Massachusetts lumber truck crashed into a home after the driver was knocked unconscious by a small chili from Wendy's, Lowell police said.

Eric Gremm reported that he choked on the chili when the truck hit a bump, causing him to pass out as the flatbed truck veered off the road and slammed into the home. The man, 59, said emergency workers at the scene told him that he had passed out, but he could not
remember losing consciousness.

Police said he could be cited for eating while driving.

He should have gone to McDonald’s and ordered the McRib. Eating while driving? That's a crime? "Honey, can you please pass me a fry?" " Not until we get passed that roadblock up ahead, dear."


Priest Accused Of Shoplifting Butter, Sofa Cover
Illinois Priest Accused Of Shoplifting Butter, Sofa Cover And Switching Bar Code From
Wal-Mart


(AP) WEST CITY, Ill. (AP) - A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. Police arrested 41-year-old the Rev. Steven Poole on Friday. He's charged with two felony theft counts. Investigators said Poole failed to scan a $3.22 container of butter and a $60 sofa cover at a self-checkout. Poole then allegedly went to the store's bedding section, picked up a memory foam mattress and switched the pricing bar code. That caused the $145 item to be scanned for $31.

More proof that the Catholic Church is out of touch with the modern times. He should have just used a gun like the pastor from Tenn.


Pa. Woman Manages To Crash Car Into Her Own Home
Philadelphia Police Puzzled After Woman Somehow Manages To Crash Car Into Her Own House

(AP) HARLEYSVILLE, Pa. (AP) - Police in suburban Philadelphia are trying to figure out how a woman crashed her car into her own house. Police said the crash happened early Wednesday morning in Harleysville, about 25 miles outside of Philadelphia. The unidentified woman was uninjured and able to get out of the car, but the house is badly damaged.

This is one hell of a way to get out of doing laundry. I swear, the longer I live, the more I believe that Playskool needs to make an operating system. Giving a woman car keys is like giving a monkey a loaded machine gun.

Now my head hurts about as much as being whacked in the nuts with a wet sock full of quarters.

The world is full of people too stupid to pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

I don't think this is what God had in mind when he told man to go forth and multiply. Maybe human beings should have learned how to add and subtract first.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Kidney Stones Suck

It's true. Kidney stones suck.

You ever have one? Well don't, because you'll be reduced to nothing more than a pathetic, little man that every woman complains about. You know the type. " Oh, my husband is such a BABY when he's sick. He gets a little cold and he is laid out on the couch all day whining that he needs his pillow fluffed and his hemorrhoids lanced." Guess what? You will turn into one of these wimps. And deservedly so.

I have had 3 and let me tell you, I'd rather jab myself with a rusty nail in the eyeball and twist out my cornea with it than have another one.

The first one was the worst. And I'm going to tell you about it. In excruciating detail.

Part 1 - Pepto and Dave. The story of a boy and his bismuth potion of magic

I was driving to work one morning when suddenly I get this sharp pain in my left side. Holy Mother of Christ!!! I shot right up in my front seat and almost drove off the highway. I remember thinking " Huh, feels like a bad gas pain. I'll just try and squeeze out a fart and I should be all set." Yeah, well needless to say one painful ride to work and two bloodshot eyes from pushing later, I was no better off. Oh, and I never farted.

As soon as it came on, it was gone. Sweet!!! I figured I was home free. And I didn't have to gag myself out of the car from farting to get there. This was going to be a good day after all........

...Until about 4:00 in the afternoon. The pain was back. This time, I was on my knees begging the good Lord to let me rip some ass. It never happened. Of course my good friend, who shall remain nameless ( Jessica ) laughed in my face and said "Awe, poor Davey!! You got a tummy ache, you pussy!" and just cackled. I had to admit, I laughed because she was right. And try as I might, I still couldn't fart. Lucky for her, the insensitive clam.

I ran to the bathroom as I felt myself getting sick. There I managed to dry heave because the pain was too much. My buddy Brian was in there and heard my pitiful screams of torture as I continued to beg the Lord to let me fart. I came out of the stall and he was white as a sheet. He asked me " Um, are you OK?" in that tone that said " I really hope you say yes because I just want to get the hell out of here and forget the awful sounds of a cat getting skinned alive that came from you stall. "

I lied and said yes. He said "OK" and shot out of there like a rocket. I never saw someone that big run that fast. Jim Thorpe, my fat Irish ass!! This kid was headed for the Olympics the way he darted down the hall.

I decided to drive home. A little bit of Pepto and some sleep and I'll be good as new tomorrow.

Well, the kidney stones were moving through me pretty good at this point. It felt like Freddie Krueger was sliding his sharp nails in the stomach and playing patty cake with my intestines. Long story short, it hurt. Like hell. And I continued to drive anyway. I was basically standing up in the car the whole way trying to stretch myself out. Yeah, like that was going to help. All I could think about was Pepto. I mean, why not? That pink stuff is like magic in a bottle. All full of minty goodness. But I knew if I stopped, I was all done. So I kept driving. Through lights, through stop signs, etc. I was like Tony Stewart on speed. I just needed to get home.

Then it was "OK, I won't make it home. I just need to make it to Dad's. He has Pepto.".... then it was " OK, maybe I'll just make it to the store and buy some Pepto.". And then.... stay with me now......

I stopped. Damn it!!!!

There was a volunteer fire station just down the road. I pulled in and crawled inside. Someone came down stairs and said " Holy crap, are you OK?". They called an ambulance and as they were strapping me in the pain went away. I asked the driver
" Hey man. I'm starved. Can we stop at McDonald's on the way?" "What are you, an asshole?" he said to me. Needless to say, we never stopped at McDonald's.

Basically, I went in the ER, they found out I had a kidney stone and gave me some scripts and sent me home. Told me to go see my Dr in the morning.

I spent most of the night awake and in pain. Called my Dr. and went to go see him later that afternoon. Once I got there and he asked me if told me how big the kidney stone was, I told him. His eyes popped out if his head as if he was a squishy toy and if you stepped on his crank they would pop out. He sent me to the hospital to be checked in.

Now the real fun begins.

Part 2 - Why I hate roommates

I get checked in and the Urologist told me that if I didn't pass the stone tonight, they were prepping me for surgery at 7:00 the next morning to go in and get it. Yeah, right. If he thought I was going to let him go in there with a bait of chum and a fishing line as if he were trolling for bass, he was mistaken.

Now, I should mention that I had popped two pain pills a half hour before getting to the hospital. And let me tell you. I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for drugs. I was floating like Mickey Mouse in the Macy's Day Parade. And I started sounding like him too.

When I got into my room, they asked me how long since my last pill. I lied and said about 5 hours ago. They gave me another one AND a morphine drip. Jackpot!!!!

I was so high, I never got the chance to use the drip. Bummer

Now, I had myself a roommate. And something tells me he never made it past 11th grade and never met a hit of acid he never liked. He starts telling me what he was in for. I don't really remember what it was, and don't honestly care. But I remember one thing ( and this is important so pay attention ). He said he had not eaten in 4 days, and only can have an IV. He can't even have a sip of water or he would die.

He asks me what I had. I told him. " Oh, maaaaaaaan!! My buddy had that. And he said it was the worst pain he EVER had. And when he was passing it, the stone broke up into little shards and he said it was like pissing lava, etc....."

Really?

Just what I needed to hear.

I made it through the night and woke up at 7:30. Guess what? Yup!!! Surgery time!!!

The nurse came in and told me I was scheduled for 8:00.

Shit!!!

I panicked. I thought about making a run for it.

But I had to pee. And I mean BAD!!! My damn eyes were swimming. But I held it back. I didn't want to pass that thing. Finally after 20 minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed the bottle they gave me and headed in.

I was looking out the window while doing my business admiring the old broken down houses and trash all over the street when I heard a clink in the bottle. WTF??? I looked down and there it was!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!! I passed it. I never felt a thing.

I ran to the nurse’s station and told her to cancel my surgery. I passed it, get me out of here!!!!

The nurse went to go get it and she yelled " Wow, that's the biggest one I ever saw"... " Thank you, but what about my stone?"

My ordeal was finally over, and I came through with flying colors. But I had one more thing to take care of.

I asked the nurse if I could have breakfast before I went home. She ordered it up and I waited.

Then it arrived. It smelled like sweaty hobo ass. But I didn't care. I opened that lid and it was glorious. My neighbor just looked at me with sad, pitiful eyes and said " Gee, that smells good."

"It tastes even better." as I shoved a piece of fatty bacon in my mouth.

I never did fart though.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Why I'm Here



OK, so here I am. A very good friend of mine suggested I do this. She states that I am a naturally gifted writer with a story to share. The only problem is, most of my stories require proof of age, and the ability to unstick the pages.

Will this work? Who the hell knows. But we may as well have some fun while we're at it.

See, the problem is that most of time, inspriation hits during the course of conversation. I need that personal interaction. I can't just sit here and think of what to write, what stories to tell, what jokes to lay out. It just happens naturally.

So, let me introduce myself and see where this goes.

My name is Dave. I am a 35 year old single father of a 10 year old girl who means the world to me. But sometimes, truth be told, she's lucky she's cute. I keep telling her if she keeps up her smart assed mouth I'm sending her back where she came from. Unfortunately for me, her mother seems to think that my hairy coin purse is my daughter's true place of origin, so this matter is still up for debate.

I never in a million years thought I would do something such as this. I mean, I have ( well.... had ) a sex life and thought only lonely 40 year old virgins living in Mommy's basement did something like this. Seeing as how I'm not a virgin ( although with my recent track record you would think otherwise. I'm ready to sue Penthouse for my carpal tunnel ), and my parent's basement couldn't hold a lady bug's fart, never mind me and all my shit, I figured I was safe. Nope, no blogging for me!! I don't fit the profile. Sweet!!! One less thing for my daughter to roll her eyes at me for and tell me that I embarass her on a daily basis. " Dad, you need to grow up and start setting a better example." I cannot believe I get schooled by a 5th grader every day. Maybe Mom's basement isn't looking so bad after all.

But you know what? I'm OK with it. Because it takes all kinds. And there are so many self-respecting bloggers out there who have a lot to teach the world. Doctors and lawyers and teachers and authors and porn stars ( what? porn stars can write too. can't they? ) and garbage men have something to say. ( my childhood dream, by the way. Way to shoot for the moon Dave. Most kids wanted to be baseball players or firemen, or cops. Nope!!! Not this kid. I wanted to play with 55 gallon drums full of maggots and water soaked garbage bags and ride on the back of the truck doing 55 down the highway while the smell of sour trash and swamp ass hit me in the face in the middle of August. What the sweet chocolate Christ in Heaven was I thinking? I must have eaten too many lead paint chips as a baby. My mother kept telling me they were Frosted Flakes )

I don't have anything to teach anyone. I'm just hear to meet women. Since the rock star thing didn't work out ( lack of talent and eventually hair led to this dream being shattered really quick. But hey, I can still empty a mean trash can with the best of em' ) And hopefully share a laugh or two.

This is why I'm here.

Dave